I remember the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Rylie, I started to grieve a little. It was something I didn’t want to talk about, but I was having some overwhelming feelings of sadness for the loss of a time in our life (David and mine) where it would just be the two of us. With those feelings came a tremendous amount of guilt, how could I feel this way when our DAUGHTER was about to be born.
I’ve since talked to a lot of mothers who have reported feeling something similar towards the end of their pregnancy. It would make sense that someone would be afraid of how things might change in one of the most significant relationships in their lives. This time around, the feeling is intense, but this time…I’m grieving the loss of having Rylie as my only child.
I know that my heart will grow, and that when this little boy is born I will look into his baby eyes, smell his baby head, and wonder how we ever lived without him. Yet, I also know that things will change, and Rylie will no longer be my one and only.
I’ve cherished our days together, the one’s where it’s just me and her. The days I get to soak her up, give her all of my attention, and all without distraction.
This will change.
I also know that we will still get those days, if I make it a priority. I know that soon enough, there will be a little buddy in her life. Someone who will be tied to her in a way that only a sibling can be. Her childhood memories will always include this little brother we are giving her. Our days, while not just the two of us anymore, will take on a richness that goes beyond anything we have known…because HE will be there.
I just wanted to put it out there, if you’ve felt something similar…feelings of grief about a loss of what you have had in a significant relationship towards the end of your pregnancy. I believe that this is a normal and understandable feeling and reaction. I’m trying to show myself some compassion for having some of these thoughts and emotions so strongly lately.
Also, I’m sorry to everyone else in Rylie’s life who has not been able to see her as much lately…I’m definitely hogging her to myself these days. I’ll try to practice my sharing in the coming weeks 😉
Thank you Nikki for these photos, I’ll cherish them forever.