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O My Darling Blog

Cassidy

Pregnancy After Loss

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

“A new baby is like the beginning of all things hope, wonder, a dream of possibilities.”

Picture taken over the weekend at a baby shower of a sweet friend.

Pregnancy after loss. It changes things. I’ve been wanting to write some of these thoughts down for awhile now, but have been trying to wait until I had an eloquent or even understandable way of expressing what my heart and head has felt the last couple of months. The clarity has not come, so bear with me while I stumble through my own understanding of all of this. After we lost the baby, I lost trust in my body. My body should have given me the signs…why was my belly still growing if the heartbeat had stopped 3 weeks earlier? Why hadn’t I miscarried? Why did I lose the baby in the first place? Rylie was an unplanned c-section (birth story here), and in my head I became convinced that something had been damaged inside and that the baby never had a chance.

I had decided that if we were going to try again, I wanted to wait until after the baby’s due date (April 6). I felt it was important to honor that pregnancy time, to honor that baby. One thing I’ve learned from all of this, among many life lessons (and I hate referring to the loss as a lesson), is that you cannot plan things that are inevitably out of your control. You can do all the “right” things, have all the right intentions, and things can still get all twisted. We weren’t exactly being careful, and there was a deep part of me that (despite what I was telling everyone) wanted to be pregnant again…like right away. It’s hard to explain, and not something words can really comprehend, but when this baby in my belly right now was conceived, I knew it. I took a pregnancy test, negative, but I still knew. We took our first trip away from Rylie as a couple to Las Vegas, and I tossed a pregnancy test in my luggage bag. When the dreaded 3 minute wait was up, and we finally knew, I laid in bed for quite awhile, allowing the news to overtake me.

Instantly, I mean…instantly, anxiety and guilt found their home. A little excitement and joy decided to show up to the party, but they stayed pretty quiet while anxiety and guilt took over the show. If it happened once, it could happen again, and I didn’t trust my body to show me the signs that would clue me in. I felt guilt. So. Much. Guilt. How could I even begin to love this baby, when I hadn’t even said goodbye yet to the last? How could I even be thinking that I couldn’t love this baby yet? What was I thinking having that champagne last night?

Do we tell people? Everyone knew about the last baby, and I was grateful for that, I felt less alone in the loss. But, do I put it out there again? That first appointment was horrifying. I had not been back in the doctor’s office since we had the visit with no heartbeat. My whole body felt cold and stiff. But there it was, a heartbeat, fast and strong. This helped a little, but we had heard the last baby’s heartbeat too…and it sounded just the same. By the time the 12 week appointment came, I had convinced myself on several occasions that the baby was gone. It was always late at night, laying in bed, and I would whisper my crazy thoughts aloud to my husband. Anxiety. The type of anxiety that leaves you feeling like you just ran a marathon, but something is chasing you, so even though you are exhausted and your heart is racing and you really just want to lay down, you have to keep running. You can’t stop for a second or it will catch you and swallow you whole. I know this sounds melo-dramatic, but like I said…I’m just trying to put the fog of feelings and emotions into words, and words never seem to get it exactly right.

12 weeks. It took them maybe 10 seconds to find the heartbeat, and in those ten seconds I had already decided that we were done trying. But then it came, loud and strong. Life.

Honestly, it was only then that I really let the love creep in. I hope that you (baby growing in my belly) do not read this one day and believe for a second that all of this makes me love you less. Oh no, this experience makes my love for you go beyond what is reasonable. So much had to happen for it to be you. The sound of your heart…and one day the smell of your skin will be intoxicating…something that will fill me up to the brim, a different kind of love.

And Rylie, one day, I need you to ask me about how you were through all of this. There are things that you did, things that you said, experiences we shared, that I need to tell you. You, and I believe most young kids your age, are closer to spiritual dimensions than we (as adults) are. These are things that aren’t for the world to know about, but that I want to share with you one day. You, have been my shining light through this.

I still know that a million billion things can go wrong (or at least that is what it feels like). Making human life is not for the faint of heart, seriously. Somehow though, we do it, and then do it again, and then watch our children and grandchildren do it. I struggle with my faith and spirituality, a lot. I think sometimes God (or whoever it is that is responsible for all consuming love and miracles) has to slap me in the face with experiences to make me believe and see. I’m not talking about the loss, I’m talking about the beauty I’ve seen through this.

Ok, I think that’s all I can say for now. Today we have our big ultrasound, and I am hopeful and terrified. Whatever happens though, I want these words to be here, to read someday, to read to Rylie someday. To maybe make someone, even one person, feel less crazy or alone.

Anxious. Excited. Guilty. Hopeful.

Love.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Everson Michael

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

Everson Michael. He is here. We are crazy for him.

photo 3-2

On August 19 at around 8:30 AM during Rylie’s bubble bath, I was going pee. As I was finishing my business, it seemed like there was a gush of pee. As I stood up it kept coming, and we knew. My water had broke. I’ll go into more detail about the labor in a later post, it wasn’t exactly how we imagined it but in many ways it was a wonderful and ideal situation. My contractions hadn’t started so we were able to do our whole nighttime routine with Ry, and actually tell her that when she woke up that grandma and grandpa would be there, and she would get to meet her baby brother. I laid in bed with her, hugged her for what seemed like forever, and gave her a million little kisses all over her face, knowing that it would be the last time I would do so with her as my only child. It was one of those life moments and I really believe she understood.

Everson, you were born August 20th at 8:25 AM. You weighed 8 lbs 3.5 oz and they measured you at 18 inches (but you were 19 inches a few days later, so I think they got it wrong!) I overheard one of the delivery nurses tell a postpartum nurse that “she won’t let him go, she’s held him since we put him in her arms.” She was right, and that’s how we stayed.

We are so in love with you. Words don’t do the feelings justice. You are such a (as your papa called you) “fair” baby. You only cry when something hurts (a gas bubble for example) but otherwise you are just a bundle of sweet baby smelling, sleepy smiling, blue eyed (as of today) baby. At your first doctor appointment you had not only met your birth weight but had gained 10 oz! I love to smell you, breast feed you, hold you. Your heavy baby weight on my chest is what dreams are made of. You have the longest little fingers and softest skin. I cry as I write this because my feelings for you are already so tremendous.

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Rylie. You always amaze me, but this time…I am beyond amazed. From the minute you met him you have been such a gentle and caring big sister. You love to touch his head, pet his hair, find his toes (and play “this little piggy”), look at his umbilical cord, and you think it is hilarious when he pees as mama as changing his diaper. You have been such a big helper, getting diapers, blankets, and making sure he has his “mimi” lovey. This morning you said you wanted to snuggle with him in bed, and my heart exploded into a million little pieces. Sometimes it’s a little hard for you, when you want me to do something and I cant right away, but I see you taking a deep breath and trying to be patient. You are mature beyond your years, such an old caring soul. You get it too, you get what it means to be a big sister and that he is a new part of our family. I didn’t believe I could love you anymore than I already do, but seeing you in this role, I do.

photo 2-3

My heart is full.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

What’s In My Diaper Bag

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

One thing is for sure…my most prominent accessory these days is a diaper bag. I’m having a serious love affair with this one from Lily Jade. It looks nothing like a diaper bag, but has a removable water-proof insert that just makes life SO. MUCH. EASIER.

bum-2

Top: old Jcrew

Jeans: J brand Maternity

Shoes: Kate Spade

Bag: Lily Jade

Now what’s in my diaper bag you might ask? Well, I looked inside and here’s what I found.

A book and a few toys for when we are out at a restaurant, some snacks, most likely some old loose snacks, an extra pair of underwear since we are potty training and accidents happen, a water bottle, Honest hand sanitizer spray, some sunscreen, loose change, sunglasses, and typically an old wipe with god knows what in it.

photo 1

And with a little boy on the way…this is what I expect will be making an appearance in our diaper bag. Diapers…duh, an extra pair of pants for those explosive poops, same old change and old wipe with god knows what in it, a hat for the sun, a burp cloth and teething ring (these ones from Alexandra Rose), and a pretty scarf just in case I decide I want a light cover while nursing.

What’s in your diaper bag?!

Filed Under: Baby, Biz Love, Bun In The Oven, Etsy, Favorite Things, Little Ones

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Biz Love . 31 Bits

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

I love me some good neck or arm candy, but when you know what you’re wearing is for a good cause…it’s even better. I first got introduced to 31 bits when we did our mother’s day shoot for Free People. Then I heard my girl Taylor Sterling was going to be modeling/styling some of their pieces for their winter line. I knew their stuff was good, but I didn’t know a lot about the cause behind it. 31 bits runs health education, finance trainings, business training, mentorships and more to 170 women in Northern Uganda. The jewelry is handmade by these women and provides them with an income. Their Fall line launches TODAY, so be sure to check it out! Each piece has so much love in it, you can tell.

They are also super fun to follow on instagram 🙂

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Top by Wendy Bellissimo’s maternity line

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Here’s a few of my favorite pieces from their Fall line. It’s so good, and I’m so ready for Fall…chunky cable knit and boots, yes!!!!

On another note…still on baby boy watch over here. Did I mention he has a name? Everson 🙂 Our son, Everson. (Nickname Ever or Ev). David actually came up with it. We always loved the name Everly for a girl, and were kind of toying around with the name Emerson for a boy. He put them together, and I fell for the name, hard. I’m ready to kiss your face and smell your sweet baby smell Ever, so anytime you’re ready…we’re ready too 🙂

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Frida Fiesta Inspiration

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

Ry’s birthday is in early September, and since her whole world is going to being turning upside down right before it (ahem, baby brother), I want to plan something now that will make her feel super special.

My mother’s side of the family is hispanic, and so most of our family parties have a little Latin flair to them already. I love Frida’s art, Ry loves to draw, and her favorite food group is “quesadilla,” soo it was a match made in heaven! Above is a little mood board I threw together. I have some fun people getting involved, which I am so grateful for since I will need all the help I can get (um, hello being like 1 week postpartum!) In the end, I hope it’s laid back and fun for her, and that she feels love coming at her from every angle. Let’s just not talk about the fact that she’s going to be another year older, k?

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Valentines Style and Illustrations

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

I recently did a Valentines day style session for Glitter Guide, where I got together with Nikki and came up with three different romantic-inspired looks (a little preppy, a little boho, and of course…a little glam).

To make the post on this here blog a little different and extra special, I had the opportunity to collaborate with one of my new favorite small business owners and artist Jessica Marie. She is going to start selling custom illustrations, and offered to put her skills to work in illustrating those three looks. How incredible is she?!

I love her detail of the flower here. The colors coordinate with the real image perfectly!

I was so so excited to have my best friend’s mom sew this skirt for me. Sometimes I know exactly what I want but can’t find it anywhere. When that happens, she always turns my musings into something real and beautiful. It was extra special to see this skirt illustrated.

By far, this is my favorite. When this first popped up in my inbox, it took my breath away. Not only are the details in the illustration beyond (look at that fringe!) I feel like she totally captured Rylie’s sweet nature, what it feels like to hold her, to love her, to be her mother. I’ll cherish this illustration for years.

I’ve always loved etsy because there is something so personal and special about a small business and anything handmade. I really suggest checking out Jessica’s etsy shop, and if there’s a special picture you have, get it illustrated, it’s just really special to see an image turned to life through illustration.

Thank you Jessica 🙂
SUPPORT HANDMADE!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Holiday Card Displays

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

The holidays are my favorite time of the year, for many reasons. One of our favorite traditions is sending and receiving holiday cards! Nikki of Je Adore and I got together to play around with our holiday cards this year. Here are our two favorite ways to display them. Check out Glitter Guide for their feature too 🙂

Love these kiddos 🙂

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Cutting in a Straight Line

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

I’m pretending that I’m crafty enough to need gold scissors over here 🙂


white pencils with gold heart * gold scissors from rifle paper’s new notable line * …oops! eraser from a little paper boutique in San Diego * acrylic and gold tape dispenser * eyeglass case * kate spade eye glasses
Have you seen the Glitter Guide project I did with big white bricks and rose gold polka dots? Such a fun project, and can I say how much I love working with Taylor the founder? She has become one of my favorite people, I love how social media can connect people.

The funny thing…those comments people wrote…made me giggle for several reasons.
1) If anyone knows me they know I’m slightly obsessed with Rylie being stimulated on a daily basis and sometimes go overboard on the “toddler projects.” Really people…I even said it in the intro to the project, this is an EASY PRETTY project for people that want toys that can be displayed even when it’s not playtime. I believe in color and visual stimulation too, trust me 😉 2) Nikki and I were laughing during the shoot because she has always known that I secretly can’t even cut in a straight line. I really do love projects though and always have a million ideas running through my head. Sometimes though, I need someone else to execute that damn straight line 😉 So as a working busy mom who likes quick easy projects and the colors white and gold in her home, that’s about as DIY as I can get. So call it what you gotta call it, for me, that’s a DIY by my standards 🙂
My favorite…when my gramma calls me up and says “don’t these people know it’s glitter guide?!”

Goodness I love her.

xoxo

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Halloween 2013: A Family Affair

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

Happy Halloween! From the “Queen Bee,” a “Field of Flowers,” and of course…the “Honey.”

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Not the post I planned…

September 2, 2019 by Cassidy Leave a Comment

I had all these grand plans for the first post on this tweaked and improved, shiny and new blog. This is not the post I thought I’d write.

I was pregnant. We were going to ride this rodeo one more time, and this time it all took on new meaning because we already had a little darling in our life that allowed us to see what a miracle we could create. When I heard that heartbeat for the first time, so loud and so reminiscent of our Rylie’s the first time we heard hers, I was smitten. No turning back, this was happening, I was in love, and we were no longer a family of three, we officially had two little darlings in our life.

I really felt this pregnancy. And by felt, I mean I was nauseous all day and never knew what fatigue felt like until a couple of weeks ago. I convinced myself that all this discomfort and sickness was taking away all the sickness from the baby. For the rest of my life, I’d wish that I could take my baby’s pain away, and for the only time in his or her life, I could.

God had different plans though, and I’m still struggling to understand them. At our 12 week appointment, with Rylie in tow (excited and repeating to everyone around her “baby’s heartbeat, baby’s heartbeat) the doctor turned on the ultrasound screen and we knew instantly. There was no longer a little flicker in the chest, and no movement like the doctor had predicted to Rylie that we would see. That moment is burned into my brain, hearing Rylie ask for the heartbeat, and to see…nothing, to hear…nothing.

I’ve never felt loss so close to home. As I write this, my vision is blurry because my eyes are filled with tears and puffy from no sleep last night. I’m angry, I’m devastated, I’m confused, I’m afraid, I want answers. I want to turn back time.

Tomorrow is the procedure where they remove him or her. At first I was angry that they couldn’t do it sooner, and now, I don’t want tomorrow to come. I’m not ready to let go yet. So I’m writing this post now, when the feelings are still so raw and fresh, so that I don’t ever have to let go and so that we will never forget. Before we found out, I made a video that I was going to use to announce our pregnancy. I was going to cut out the “baby” parts and change the music, but then thought to myself… “Why would I cut those parts out? In those moments, we were a family of 4 and you sweet baby, were still so alive in our minds and hearts.” So no, I’m keeping the video, and I’m going to watch it whenever I need to be reminded.

Sweet baby, I’ll never get to hold you in my arms, or kiss your eyelashes when you’re sleeping. I’ll never get to hold your hand, or kiss your booboos when you fall. I’ll never see your smile, or have my heart melt when you reach up to me. I’ll never hear you call me mama. But I will always be your mama. You’ll also never be cold, never be afraid, never feel lonely, never have your heartbroken. If you could hear before your heart stopped, the last thing you heard was my heart beating, and every beat was for you. I struggle with my faith, but if you are in heaven, and every part of me hopes you are…then instead of me holding you in my arms telling you about all the people that love you, I hope that God is holding you and telling you all about us. I want you to know that Rylie was so in love with you too. She already knew she was your big sister, and it broke my heart yesterday and this morning when she’d lift my shirt and kiss my belly, which has become a little ritual for us. Last night she asked me to read her the “baby” book, a book we got her to help her understand what being a big sister meant. It’s her favorite book. A part of me wanted to hide it last night, but I didn’t. We read it, and she still lit up at the part when the “Rylie” is holding “the baby.” It broke my heart, but I believe that for a long while she won’t let us forget, and that’s ok with me.

Your gift to us was that we will cherish your sister even more than we thought we possibly could now. You brought your dad and I even closer together yesterday, if that was even possible. And maybe one day, someone will need me to really understand their loss, and I will, because of you. My heart aches for you, and I already feel so empty. You have already left your mark, I promise. I love you, I miss having you, and I promise to never forget. I’m comforted in knowing that Rylie got her first guardian angel.

*update. A part of me didnt understand why my body would not miscarry on its own. A part of me thought that process would give me more closure in a way. We have the most wonderful doctor though. When I asked if I could see the baby one more time before the procedure, he said “you’re the boss.” In the operating room, right before they put me under, I got to visit with our little one, one last time. He spent so much time showing me the little hands, feet, and profile. It was the last thing I saw before drifting off to sleep as the doctor held my hand. Now THAT is the image I’m left with, and I’ll be forever grateful.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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